54. The day I’ve dreaded is here!!

It all started with a boil or in tagalog, Pigsa.

I was minding my own business, preparing for work, on a Tuesday morning when it appeared. A lump on my chest with a reddish area. The night before I was trying to prick this black head on my chest. It was quite stubborn. I wanted it to launch and stick on the mirror. It didn’t. It didn’t even bleed. The morning after it has turned into a volcano of sorts. Hence my THIRD NIPPLE IS BORN!!! Dun dunn DUNN!!!

What’s that you say? You want pictures eh? Well, you’re not getting any. After the incident with my sun burn, my wife has forbidden me from posting other parts of my body. So don’t blame me. I’m always ready to oblige. But like my wife said. I can’t be a whore forever. So there. take it up with her.

 Where was I? Oh yes the third nipple. I felt special. Happy. I feel I belonged to an elite few. People with third nipple are considered freaks, mutants. I like it! It’s said that people with third nipples have special powers and with my hair as long and bodied like Prince Caspian’s I think I am a super hero. 

If I am a woman, my legs would be open right now. 

But the third nipple grew. Everyday it grew larger. I felt that it is slowly eating me and in time I would disappear and the only thing that would remain is the third nipple. Time to go to a witch or a worlock and have this abomination removed. And because I couldn’t find any. I just went to the doctor instead. 

I went to a hospital to see a doctor. Incidentally, The doctor on call is my father’s doctor. I will call him Dr. Clams. Why? I seriously don’t know.

Me: Doctor Clams! You have to help me!! I have a third nipple! (pulls out my shirt and shows the doc my nipple)

Dr Clams: Joel? Is that you? You’re fat! Fat as a pig!

 Me: I’m not fat damn it! I’m healthy!!

Dr Clams: Well if you’re healthy then why the hell do you have an infection on your chest?

Me: Infection? This is not an infection doctor! This right here is my third nipple!!! And I want you to yank it off!!

Dr. Clams: Do you know why you have a third nipple?

Me: Huh? No? why?

Dr. Clams: It’s because you’re so fat, your nipples couldn’t detect each other. hence, a satellite one was launched!

Me: Dr. I don’t care if I’m fat I just want you to remove this third nipple. It’s starting to get painful!!

D Clams: I’m giving you a full body check up. SO we could determine how to attack your ginormous body.  Can you even see your dick anymore?

Me: The goddess told me I could use the 5th amendment and just shut up so well that’s what I’m going to do.

Dr. Clams: I see. Then Bariatric surgery it is! Guards! Get him!

Me: Jesus, Why are you making the guards drag me around? I can walk you know! And isn’t bariatric surgery too much?

Dr. Clams:No! Because you’re a hundred pounds overweight fatty. Come here and give daddy some raw materials for soap!

 Me: Nooooes!!

Afterwards, I was prescribed a maintenance medicine and some other diet pills and If I don’t lose weight in a month, they have to CT scan my brain for possible aneurysms. Aneurysms? Is it really that bad? I mean last week I was drunk seven days a week! Now I am being limited! Noooes!!!

People who’ve been with me for a while now would know my declaration. That I will not stop eating and growing until a doctor came along and tell me enough is enough. Well, that day is here. I have to change my entire lifestyle. RIght now I can only eat veggies, fruits and white meat. I am also taking hypoglycemic agents to counter my appetite. Funny how life works really. One day you’re abusing and killing your body and the next you’re trying to save it.

If it weren’t for the boil, I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor and the doctor wouldn’t have demanded a cease fire on my body.

It’s actually my second day without carbs and I tells ya. I am suffering. I could eat a damn child with my hunger. 

So I am now dieting and exercising. A new me. Let’s see how long this new me would last. Or will the sleeping hulk wake up and eat everything on his path.

This is a crappy entry I know. Forgive me. I can feel my own flesh eating away on my stored fat.  It’s hard to stay focus when it happens.