96. CHEATING 101: PLANNING

Welcome back boys and girls! It is again the month of love, and do you guys know what this blog entry is all about? Well, if your answer is LOVE then you’re WRONG!

Do you clearly know what happens during Valentines Day? Aside from Restaurants overpricing, motels owners overbooking and condoms breaking; most of the guys and girls out there are stressed out. Their hairs standing on ends not because they’re still contemplating whether to lose their virginity or not, but because  they know all too well that Valentines Day should not only be celebrated with the official partner but it should be celebrated with the sideline as well. Get my drift?

And that is where I come in. My fellow humans, I am now posting the third of a series of entries dedicated to sharing with all of you my knowledge about the taboo topic of CHEATING: The love month edition.

Second rule of cheating: S.M.A.R.T.

Yeah, so it’s a rip off from our usual business practices and one of the most used strategies for goal setting in business reviews but before you judge, hear me out! Planning is of the utmost importance. Without it, executing a double or a triple date during the Valentines Day rush would be like suicide.

SPECIFIC

The basis of goal setting is really just having a goal. What do you want to accomplish? Well aside from having two dates on Valentines Day? It can be classified into five actions: First base, Second Base, Third Base, home run and HHWW. Duh right? If you’ve had two home runs in a day with different targets then stop reading, I have nothing else to teach you. Mix and matching objectives isn’t a bad plan as well. Like you only get to second base with the first date and you swing away for a home run for the second date. Just don’t do it the other way around or you’ll end up with blue balls before the day is over. And if you have blue balls at the end of Valentines, you’ll end up with a P2000 hooker who you thought was a woman but is really a transvestite ready to pounce on their next victim. Also, stop looking at me like that! Ehem, moving on.

MEASURABLE

I’m not talking about your penis dimwit! I’m talking about the expense to ROI ratio. You don’t want to go splurging too much for the woman and only getting a hand job in return right? I mean, my dogs could have licked better right? Umm… Although it will all depend on how much you really like the woman and how much buying power you have at your disposal. Just remember, whatever you give them, you won’t be able to get it back if ever it doesn’t work out. Or, it may come back but in a fast projectile manner towards you so I suggest soft gifts like balloons, flowers, teddy bears and pillows, none of those crystal bowls and steak knives alright?

ATTAINABLE

Let’s not kid ourselves; you’re not God’s gift to women. You’re an unattractive, oily brute and you secrete a musky aroma which the cops use as an ingredient for their pepper spray. It may even be sufficient to say that you have a face only a mother could love. So what do you do? Instead of targeting a ten, why not settle for two fives? Or if you’re ugly and you don’t have any game, why not settle for five twos? The ocean is deep and wide, there are a lot of fishes, and you just have to look for the right one for you. Remember, the secret to happiness is lowered expectations.

REALISTIC

Think of a situation which is realistic and strategize everything from location to gifts to excuses. Yes you want the first date to be in Antipolo while the following date in Tagaytay. That’s just like looking for a hammer and hitting yourself with it. Set the two dates near enough so you have time to travel with out stress afterward the first date, but not too near that there’s a chance for you to meet the other target prematurely. If ever set reservations ahead. Also, bring extra clothes; you don’t want your clothes smelling like a womans perfume right? Especially, your underwear.  

TIME BOUND

From all the advices in this long ass dragging blog entry of mine, this maybe the most important one you should always remember. Give at least two hours in between dates for proper logistics and so you can prepare and go neutral. Going back to neutral is the most Zen thing to do. Drop all the emotions from the first date before going to the second date for more effect. Set fool proof time excuses so that you’ll follow allowed time limits. And always remember not to look worried or always on a hurry. Enjoy the moment but do not get carried away.

When you get all of your bases covered, then you’re all set for your double header. No pun intended. Or did I? So just relax and enjoy the moment. Make this your most memorable Valentines Day ever. Also, don’t forget to wear a coat.